A private diary records a friend’s promotion. Revising one sentence makes its writer question whose approval she wants, even when nobody else will read it.
01Read the Arabic story
دَفْتَرُ يَوْمِيَّاتِي الَّذِي حَرَّرْتُهُ قَبْلَ أَنْ يَقْرَأَهُ أَحَدٌ
كَتَبْتُ فِي دَفْتَرِ يَوْمِيَّاتِي مَسَاءَ الثُّلَاثَاءِ أَنَّ صَدِيقَتِي هَنَاءَ تَرَقَّتْ فِي الْعَمَلِ. ثُمَّ أَضَفْتُ: «هَنَّأْتُهَا بِابْتِسَامَةٍ، ثُمَّ قَارَنْتُ رَاتِبَهَا بِرَاتِبِي». لَمْ أُخْفِ الدَّفْتَرَ خَوْفًا مِنْ قَارِئٍ مُحْتَمَلٍ؛ لَمْ يَطْلُبْ أَحَدٌ قِرَاءَتَهُ. كُنْتُ قَدْ خَصَّصْتُ الدَّفْتَرَ لِمَا لَا أَقُولُهُ فِي الْمَكْتَبِ. وَمَعَ ذَلِكَ، بَقِيَتِ الْجُمْلَةُ تُزْعِجُنِي بَعْدَ إِغْلَاقِهِ، كَأَنَّ الْوَرَقَ يَحْتَفِظُ بِوَجْهٍ لَا أُرِيدُ أَنْ أَرَاهُ.
فِي صَبَاحِ الْأَرْبِعَاءِ، شَطَبْتُ الْجُمْلَةَ وَكَتَبْتُ: «أَسْعَدَنِي خَبَرُ هَنَاءَ». كَانَ الْخَبَرُ قَدْ أَسْعَدَنِي فِعْلًا، فَلِمَاذَا بَدَتِ النُّسْخَةُ أَقَلَّ أَمَانَةً؟ تَخَيَّلْتُ نَفْسِي بَعْدَ سَنَةٍ أَفْتَحُ الدَّفْتَرَ، وَأُعْجَبُ بِالْمَرْأَةِ الَّتِي كَتَبَتْهُ. كُنْتُ أُعِدُّ لَهَا مِرْآةً مُهَذَّبَةً، وَأَتْرُكُ لَهَا أَنْ تَظُنَّ أَنَّهَا نَافِذَةٌ عَلَى الْأَمْسِ.
أَعَدْتُ الْجُمْلَةَ الْأُولَى بَيْنَ قَوْسَيْنِ، لَكِنَّ الدَّهْشَةَ مِنْ صَرَاحَتِي أَعْجَبَتْنِي أَيْضًا. صَارَ اعْتِرَافِي بِالْغَيْرَةِ حُجَّةً عَلَى شَجَاعَتِي؛ وَهَذِهِ صُورَةٌ أُخْرَى أَخْتَارُهَا. لَمْ يَكُنْ إِلَى جَانِبِي أَحَدٌ يُصَفِّقُ، وَلَكِنَّنِي كُنْتُ أَسْمَعُ تَصْفِيقًا مُؤَجَّلًا. رَأَيْتُ بُقْعَةَ قَهْوَةٍ عَلَى كُمِّي مِنْ صَبَاحِ الثُّلَاثَاءِ، فَتَذَكَّرْتُ أَنَّنِي انْشَغَلْتُ يَوْمَهَا أَيْضًا بِإِنْقَاذِ قَمِيصِي.
وَتَذَكَّرْتُ أَنَّنِي رَاجَعْتُ عَرْضَ هَنَاءَ قَبْلَ إِعْلَانِ التَّرْقِيَةِ. أَضَفْتُ هَذَا التَّفْصِيلَ، ثُمَّ تَوَقَّفْتُ عِنْدَ تَعْلِيقٍ كَتَبْتُهُ: «إِذَنْ كُنْتُ صَدِيقَةً جَيِّدَةً». لَيْسَ التَّفْصِيلُ تَبْرِئَةً، وَالْغَيْرَةُ لَا تَمْحُو الْمُسَاعَدَةَ. حَذَفْتُ التَّعْلِيقَ وَأَبْقَيْتُ الْفِعْلَ وَالْمُقَارَنَةَ. كَتَبْتُ عَنْ بُقْعَةِ الْقَهْوَةِ فِي الْهَامِشِ، لَا دَلِيلًا عَلَى كَرَمِي وَلَا عَلَى حَسَدِي، بَلْ شَيْئًا حَدَثَ فِي ذَلِكَ الصَّبَاحِ.
كَتَبْتُ تَحْتَ السُّطُورِ تَارِيخَ الْمَسَاءِ الْأَوَّلِ وَتَارِيخَ مُرَاجَعَتِي فِي الصَّبَاحِ التَّالِي. لَمْ أُزِلِ الشَّطْبَ؛ أَرَدْتُ أَنْ تَرَى قَارِئَتِي الْمُقْبِلَةُ مَا غَيَّرْتُهُ، لَا أَنْ تَثِقَ بِي بِلَا سُؤَالٍ. أَغْلَقْتُ الدَّفْتَرَ وَأَرْسَلْتُ لِهَنَاءَ سُؤَالًا عَنِ الْعَمَلِ الْجَدِيدِ. وَأَنَا أَنْتَظِرُ جَوَابَهَا، كُنْتُ أُفَكِّرُ فِي سُؤَالٍ لَمْ أَكْتُبْهُ بَعْدُ: بِأَيِّ عَيْنٍ سَأَقْرَأُ هَذَا غَدًا؟
Show English translationHide English translation
On Tuesday evening I wrote in my diary that my friend Hanaa had been promoted at work. Then I added: “I congratulated her with a smile, then compared her salary with mine.” I did not hide the diary for fear of a possible reader; nobody had asked to read it. I had set the diary aside for what I did not say at the office. Yet the sentence kept troubling me after I closed it, as if the paper were preserving a face I did not want to see.
On Wednesday morning I crossed out the sentence and wrote: “Hanaa’s news made me happy.” The news really had made me happy, so why did the version seem less honest? I imagined myself opening the diary a year later and admiring the woman who had written it. I was preparing a polished mirror for her and leaving her to suppose it was a window onto yesterday.
I restored the first sentence in parentheses, but I also liked being surprised by my own frankness. My admission of jealousy became evidence of my courage: another image I was choosing. Nobody was beside me applauding, but I could hear deferred applause. I saw a coffee stain on my sleeve from Tuesday morning and remembered that I had also been occupied that day with saving my shirt.
I remembered reviewing Hanaa’s presentation before the promotion was announced. I added this detail, then paused over a comment I had written: “So I was a good friend.” The detail is not an acquittal, and jealousy does not erase the help. I deleted the comment and kept the action and the comparison. I wrote about the coffee stain in the margin, neither as evidence of my generosity nor of my envy, but as something that had happened that morning.
Beneath the lines I wrote the date of the first evening and the date of my revision the following morning. I did not remove the crossing-out; I wanted my future reader to see what I had changed, rather than trust me without a question. I closed the diary and sent Hanaa a question about her new work. While waiting for her reply, I was thinking of a question I had not yet written: through what eyes would I read this tomorrow?
02Useful words from the story
| Arabic in the story | Meaning here |
|---|---|
| تَرَقَّتْ | was promoted |
| قَارَنْتُ | I compared |
| شَطَبْتُ | I crossed out |
| أَمَانَةً | honesty; fidelity to the experience |
| مِرْآةً | a mirror |
| صَرَاحَتِي | my frankness |
| مُؤَجَّلًا | deferred; postponed |
| تَبْرِئَةً | an acquittal; exoneration |
| الْهَامِشِ | the margin |
| الشَّطْبَ | the crossing-out |
03Check your understanding
Choose one answer per question. Track voices, omissions and competing accounts. Choose the reading best supported by the Arabic text.
What to remember
- A true detail can serve self-presentation, while an unflattering confession can become another admired image.
- Visible revisions and dates let a future reader compare how the diary’s account was made.
Explore the Arabic in this story
Related grammar and vocabularyOpen Araqick guides connected to this story.
Arabic Past-Tense Endings: I Wrote, You Wrote and We Wrote
كَتَبْتُ فِي دَفْتَرِ يَوْمِيَّاتِي
Read the tu ending as the narrator’s first-person writing action; it does not itself mark gender.
Arabic Relative Pronouns: Joining Ideas with Alladhi and Allati
بِالْمَرْأَةِ الَّتِي كَتَبَتْهُ
Connect the definite feminine woman to allati and the clause identifying her as the diary’s writer.
