A teacher revisits her childhood classroom. The desk challenges one memory, while a pupil’s unanswered question challenges the comfort of believing she already understands.
01Read the Arabic story
الطَّاوِلَةُ الَّتِي جَعَلَتْنِي أَشْعُرُ بِالصِّغَرِ
لَمْ تَكُنِ الطَّاوِلَةُ مُرْتَفِعَةً كَمَا حَفِظَتْهَا ذَاكِرَتِي. وَقَفْتُ أَمَامَهَا فِي صَفِّي الْقَدِيمِ، وَرُكْبَتَايَ تُجَاوِزَانِ حَافَّتَهَا. دَعَتْنِي الْمَدْرَسَةُ لِحَدِيثٍ عَنْ مِهْنَةِ التَّدْرِيسِ، فَوَصَلْتُ مُبَكِّرَةً لِأَرَى الْمَكَانَ خَالِيًا. عَلَى خَشَبِ الطَّاوِلَةِ خَدْشٌ كَالْهِلَالِ. مَدَدْتُ إِصْبَعِي إِلَيْهِ كَأَنَّهُ تَوْقِيعِي، مَعَ أَنَّنِي لَمْ أَعُدْ أَجْزِمُ بِأَنَّنِي أَنَا الَّتِي رَسَمَتْهُ. كَانَ الْبَابُ مَفْتُوحًا، وَصَوْتُ التَّلَامِيذِ يَصِلُ مِنَ السَّاحَةِ.
كُنْتُ أَتَذَكَّرُ مُعَلِّمِي وَهُوَ يَصِفُنِي بِالْبُطْءِ. رَفَعْتُ يَدِي ذَاتَ صَبَاحٍ، فَاخْتَارَ وَلَدًا سَبَقَنِي إِلَى الْكَلَامِ. فِي رِوَايَتِي الْمُتَكَرِّرَةِ، لَمْ أَرْفَعْهَا بَعْدَ ذَلِكَ أَبَدًا. لَكِنَّ صُورَةً أُخْرَى ظَهَرَتْ وَأَنَا أَلْمِسُ الْخَشَبَ: يَدِي مَرْفُوعَةٌ فِي دَرْسٍ لَاحِقٍ. لَمْ تَمْحُ الصُّورَةُ الثَّانِيَةُ إِهَانَةَ الْأُولَى؛ جَعَلَتْ كَلِمَةَ «أَبَدًا» أَقَلَّ طَاعَةً لِي.
عُدْتُ إِلَى صَفِّي الْحَالِيِّ وَفِي حَقِيبَتِي دَفْتَرُ تِلْمِيذَةٍ تُدْعَى مَرْيَمَ. كُنْتُ قَدْ كَتَبْتُ بِقَلَمٍ أَحْمَرَ بِجَانِبِ سُؤَالٍ تَرَكَتْهُ بِلَا إِجَابَةٍ: «لَا تُحَاوِلِينَ بِمَا يَكْفِي». بَدَتِ الْعِبَارَةُ عِنْدَ تَصْحِيحِ الدَّفْتَرِ مُلَاحَظَةً عَنْ وَاجِبٍ وَاحِدٍ. وَالْآنَ سَمِعْتُ فِيهَا حُكْمًا عَلَى طِفْلَةٍ لَمْ أَسْأَلْهَا بَعْدُ عَمَّا حَدَثَ فِي ذَلِكَ الْمَسَاءِ.
جَلَسْتُ إِلَى مَرْيَمَ وَقُلْتُ إِنَّنِي سَأَمْنَحُهَا وَقْتًا أَطْوَلَ. تَوَقَّعْتُ ارْتِيَاحًا يُؤَكِّدُ أَنَّنِي فَهِمْتُهَا. غَيْرَ أَنَّهَا قَالَتْ: الْوَقْتُ يَكْفِينِي، لَكِنَّنِي لَمْ أَفْهَمْ مَا يَطْلُبُهُ السُّؤَالُ. شَرَحْتُ الْمَطْلُوبَ، فَشَرَعَتْ فِي الْكِتَابَةِ. بَقِيتُ بِجَانِبِهَا صَامِتَةً؛ فَقَدْ جِئْتُ أُصْلِحُ جُرْحًا قَدِيمًا، وَكَانَتْ هِيَ تَطْلُبُ شَرْحًا لِجُمْلَةٍ فِي وَاجِبِهَا لَا أَكْثَرَ.
شَطَبْتُ مُلَاحَظَتِي بِخَطٍّ وَاحِدٍ يَتْرُكُهَا مَقْرُوءَةً، وَكَتَبْتُ تَحْتَهَا: «سَأَلْتُ قَبْلَ أَنْ أَفْهَمَ». ثُمَّ شَطَبْتُ هَذِهِ أَيْضًا؛ فَأَنَا لَمْ أَسْأَلْ أَصْلًا. رَأَتْ مَرْيَمُ التَّصْحِيحَيْنِ وَسَأَلَتْ إِنْ كَانَا يَخُصَّانِ إِجَابَتَهَا. قُلْتُ لَهَا إِنَّهُمَا يَخُصَّانِنِي، وَأَشَرْتُ إِلَى مَوْضِعٍ فِي حَلِّهَا يَحْتَاجُ إِلَى مُرَاجَعَةٍ. سَحَبَتِ الدَّفْتَرَ نَحْوَهَا، وَتَرَكَتْ لِيَ الْقَلَمَ الْأَحْمَرَ عَلَى الْمَائِدَةِ.
Show English translationHide English translation
The desk was not as high as I remembered. I stood before it in my old classroom, my knees above its edge. The school had invited me to speak about teaching, so I arrived early to see the room empty. A crescent-shaped scratch marked the wood. I reached towards it as though it were my signature, although I was no longer certain I had made it. The door was open, and the pupils’ voices reached me from the playground.
I remembered my teacher describing me as slow. One morning I raised my hand, and he chose a boy who spoke before me. In the account I repeatedly told, I never raised it again. But another image emerged as I touched the wood: my hand raised in a later lesson. The second image did not erase the humiliation of the first; it made the word “never” less obedient to me.
I returned to my present classroom with a pupil’s notebook in my bag. Her name was Maryam. Beside a question she had left unanswered, I had written in red pencil, “You are not trying hard enough.” While marking the notebook, the phrase had seemed a comment on a single assignment. Now I heard in it a judgment of a child I had not yet asked about what had happened that evening.
I sat beside Maryam and said I would give her more time. I expected relief that would confirm I had understood her. Instead she said, “I have enough time, but I did not understand what the question was asking.” I explained the task, and she began writing. I remained silent beside her: I had come to repair an old wound, while she was asking for an explanation of a sentence in her homework, nothing more.
I crossed out my comment with one line that left it readable, and wrote below it, “I asked before I understood.” Then I crossed that out too: I had not asked at all. Maryam saw the two corrections and asked whether they concerned her answer. I told her they concerned me, and pointed to a part of her solution that needed revising. She pulled the notebook towards herself and left me the red pencil on the table.
02Useful words from the story
| Arabic in the story | Meaning here |
|---|---|
| حَافَّتَهَا | its edge |
| خَدْشٌ | a scratch |
| كَأَنَّهُ تَوْقِيعِي | as though it were my signature |
| أَجْزِمُ | assert with certainty |
| الْمُتَكَرِّرَةِ | repeated |
| إِهَانَةَ | the humiliation of |
| مُلَاحَظَةً | a comment |
| ارْتِيَاحًا | relief |
| فَشَرَعَتْ | so she began |
| مَقْرُوءَةً | readable |
03Check your understanding
Choose one answer. Separate remembered experience, a narrator’s assumptions and what another character actually says.
What to remember
- A later memory challenges the word “never” without cancelling an earlier humiliation.
- Remembered hurt can encourage a teacher to listen, but it cannot tell her what a particular pupil needs.
Explore the Arabic in this story
Related grammar and vocabularyOpen Araqick guides connected to this story.
Kana in Arabic: Was and Were
كَانَ الْبَابُ مَفْتُوحًا
Recognise kana with a nominative noun and an accusative description of the classroom door.
Lam in Arabic: How to Say “Did Not”
لَمْ أَسْأَلْهَا بَعْدُ
Use lam with the jussive to identify the question the narrator had not yet asked.
